Cocoon

This past Wednesday I celebrated the good news of a clean scan and clear tumor markers. The same day a friend of mine got a phone call from his doctor who told him "You have cancer."

It makes me sad.
It makes me angry.
No.
Not angry.

Pissed off.

I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!

But in spite of my hatred I have much to celebrate.

I am happy that my first set of tests after my surgery are clean. I am very glad. We can hope that the thyroid cancer is gone forever. It's not over yet though, because my doctor has scheduled further tests on my throat and lungs due to unresolved medical issues. But, for now I am assuming that everything will be just fine.

A former boss of mine whom I greatly admired (who also happened to be a pilot and Vietnam Veteran) once told me "never assume anything." That's probably good advice for someone flying through enemy territory. But I really need to assume this right now. For me it's a matter of self-preservation. Hmm. I guess it was for him, too. Maybe I need to re-think this?

Anyway, back to my friend who recently heard those three words that turn your world inside-out. He is one of the people in my circle of support that sent prayers and positive thoughts when I needed it most. Trust me, those prayers and thoughts made a huge difference when I was first in the fight.

When he told me he had cancer my heart hurt. I hurt for him, I hurt with him, I hurt for those he loves, and I hurt for those who love him. It's a disease that profoundly affects everyone in your life. It just isn't fair.

He asked me for advice. My first thought, and what I told him was go to the place where I went for treatment. After all, if it worked for me... But that's not what I really wanted to tell him. It's just all I could think of at the time.

But I do have advice for you, my friend. Now I know what I want to share with you.

First, allow yourself to cry. You have to grieve for what is lost before you can move on. I don't have to explain this because you know what I mean.

Next, wrap yourself in a cocoon. Allow a blanket of trust to completely envelope you.

Trust in your team of physicians. Trust them in your treatment plan, and listen to them.

Trust in the one you love. This person has been put in your life for a reason. When you can't hold on any more know that you don't have to - because your love won't let go of you.

Trust in those that care about you. They may not know what to say or how to say it, but you will be able to feel their love and support when you can't feel anything else.

Trust in yourself. Listen to your body, listen to your heart - and be your own advocate. You know you better than anyone. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Give yourself permission to be sick. You don't have to pretend to be okay, because you're not. It is okay to feel the way you feel.

But most of all, allow your cocoon to keep you safe as long as you need it. You will know when you can start to unfold your wings again.

Will you be the same as before? No. You will have to find your new you. You will have to find a new normal. I know this, because I am still trying to figure out what this is. I am just beginning to emerge again. Am I still scared of life on the outside? Absolutely. In fact, I am just one step above terrified.

But I do know one thing with certainty. While I am learning to venture outside my cocoon again, I know that it's there every time I need to crawl back in.

For you my friend, I wish you well. I am but a tiny thread in the silk that will surround you, but I am a part of your cocoon.

Peace.